Fission Impossible

It was an appealing offer, no matter how one looked at it; Just pluck down $5 for Metal Gear Solid 4, the most anticipated title for anyone even thinking about getting a PS3, and have access to a two week Beta of its online component, Metal Gear Online.

Having only a PS2 at the time and a PC not nearly powerful enough to run Steam, the first Metal Gear Online, included with MGS3 Subsistence, was an absolute joy to play. I dedicated quite a bit of time with it, and would have dedicated even more had the cheaters not arrived and made a mess of things. The most infamous cheat involved going invisible and setting all opponents on fire, with no way at all to retaliate. Unfortunately, Konami did nothing to remove this cheat, and the servers eventually closed for good.

But that was okay, because they were also dedicated to bringing an even better online experience with MGS4's online mode. I wrote an extensive news article that perfectly conveyed my anticipation for this game, and I fervently counted the days until the beta was officially ready.

That's when the invisible flame thrower made a metaphorical return.

The first bit of ugliness involved the Konami ID site, in which you were required to register and create a Konami Game ID with. Nope, having the Beta code wasn't enough, you had to create a separate username, and this website was the only place to do it.

Well that's no big deal, right? This isn't the first game to force you to use an official website, and the process is usually quick enough. The Rockstar Social Club took less than two minutes to create a username, after all.

The Konami ID site is not the Rockstar Social Club site. It is nothing but pure evil, designated to torment you with timeouts, frugal naming requirements, and just plain lies.

The first hurdle occurs in just one click. After putting down your date of birth (why do websites ask for this? It's so easy to make up a birthdate), one of two things happen. You proceed to the next screen, or you get a "page timeout" message. Guess what the odds of success are here.

Now if by some miracle you get to proceed, you're now required to fill out the extensively long form. It turns out creating one username isn't enough. Oh no, you have to fill out both a Konami ID and a Game ID. The latter is required to participate in the Beta. The former? Well, no one really knows its purpose. The ID names also require everything to be lower case.

Also, both ID's require separate passwords for each. The Konami ID requires a long password with letters and numbers involved. The Game ID requires a password of only numbers.

From here all sorts of things can go wrong. The Game ID is taken, your email won't be accepted, or the page will just time out altogether. Even if you use an autofill attachment with Firefox, you're still liable for errors and timeouts.

As the official date of the MGO server was fast approaching, I spent hours trying to get my information ready on time. Fortunately I pulled it off, with the Game ID of nothin-at-all. I really wanted to use Stupid_Sexy_Snake, but apparently someone beat me to it.

But then despite all the trials with the website, along with people getting incomplete beta codes with their preorders, Konami decided to hit us hard just one more time. The Beta simply would not work.

Perhaps at midnight: Nope. How about 3:00am? Nadda. Waited up all day and night? Good news! Konami postponed the beta for an undetermined time (recent reports place it to this Friday).

In short, this has been the biggest gaming disaster of 2008 so far. Not since Square delayed the US release of Advent Children for another 8 months (and offered no explanation or modifications to compensate) have I felt betrayed by a quality company. A lot of people are certain that these kinks will help guarantee that the finished game will go online with no problems in its June launch date.

At the rate Konami is going, it wouldn't surprise me if they failed again once the magic hour occurs. Not even Snake could finish a mission this impossible.